In marriages where one spouse has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (or both do), there are often many challenges. One of them is overstepping each other’s boundaries.
For instance, a partner with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) might assume without asking their partner that they’ll just take over all the household responsibilities, including chores and finances, or they might refuse to treat their symptoms and give the ultimatum to “take it or leave it.”
A non-ADHD spouse might take over all the responsibilities because they think their partner is incompetent or they might try to change them altogether.
In her book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps, marriage consultant Melissa Orlov (who I recently interviewed for a piece on pitfalls and potential solutions), discusses the importance of working on changing yourself, instead of your partner. It is unrealistic to try and change others anyway, and it only creates and perpetuates conflict.
She suggests each partner establish their own boundaries. Because when you’re preserving your boundaries, according to Orlov, you’re more likely to have a healthy and happy relationship and be the person you truly want to be.
Orlov defines a personal boundary as: “a value, characteristic or behavior that we absolutely must have in order to live out life, in any situation, as a person we wish to be.”
When thinking about boundaries, two things are important to consider: “which ones are the most important to who you are as a person” and “where your lower threshold is located for each boundary” (which leaves you feeling unhealthy or confined).
Defining Your Boundaries
To figure out your most important boundaries, Orlov suggests readers ask themselves this set of four questions. After creating your list, pick out the few with the greatest significance (or create levels of importance). (These are taken verbatim from the book.)
1. Think about where your personal boundaries or rules used to be when you were happiest. What was important to you? How did you behave? What was unique about you? What were you proudest of? Were there important inconsistencies in your thinking or behavior that you can name?
2. Think about where your boundaries, or personal rules, are today. What has changed? What boundaries do you wish you had in place but you think are currently missing or being ignored by you or others?
3. Ask your spouse questions: What parts of me did you fall in love with? How was I unique? What are my special qualities in your eyes? Which qualities make you proudest?
4. Where do you want to be in the future?
It’s also important to be realistic and avoid “boundaries” from becoming a wish list. To get your reality check, consider whether the boundary concerns your own behavior or needs (it should since this is what you can do, not your spouse); how it works in an actual situation (“is it an idea that remains ‘right’ for you in all circumstances?”); what others say; and whether it’ll make you a better person.
For instance, two of the boundaries on Melissa’s list include: Treat each other with respect, even in the most difficult times; and “Let my husband express his true self without trying to change him”
Your Boundary Action Plan
Next, Orlov suggests creating a plan with your boundaries and the different actions you’re going to take to execute these boundaries (not your spouse’s actions).
Here’s an example from her plan (also taken verbatim):
Respect Issue 1: Improve how I communicate.
- Don’t nag!!!
- Don’t lecture; share the conversation.
- Change communication patterns. (Seek out good books on this!)
- Try to understand and appreciate his logic and approach. Ask questions.
Respect Issue 2: Change from trying to control him into positive interactions.
Cut down on negatives:
- Let him be himself, do things his way. Accept him as a unique person and stop trying to control or change him.
- Don’t worry or complain when he comes to bed later; accept that that’s his schedule, which is different from mine. (Give him a flashlight so lights don’t go on!)
Find positives to share:
- Look for hobbies to share and have fun with so we share more happy times together (more bike riding together).
- Write self notes about positive things and post them as “reminders.”
Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S. is an Associate Editor at Psych Central and blogs regularly about eating and self-image issues on her own blog, Weightless.You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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“ADHD and Marriage: Boundaries Can Help Rebuild Your Relationship”
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Aug 2011
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This sounds great, very respectful and dignified, but when you are really dealing with an ADD spouse I believe that life gets more complex than this article describes. I just ended a relationship because while he failed to treat his ADD and wanted me to “accept him”. I ended up with all the responsibilities of running a home and raising children, while he ran around trying to find his shoes, jacket, etc. Yes, people have different styles of living and parenting, but when ADD is left to just be “accepted” there are some serious outcomes. Unfortunately, if it affects the marriage to this level, there is usually no aspect of life that is untouched. I have seen several marriages end from this and have seen a few compltely turned around with medical treatment.
I agree with Kate- sounds great on paper, but reality is often different. My husband is ADD ( Diagnosed only after we were married). I gave him slack, make sure to pick up the important pieces ( like bills and scheduling). I even try to get him in the right frame of mind for talk time and keep it focused on the goal ( he WANDERS greatly!). However I have noticed that by my living my life in an organized way and “helping” him to be structured ( remind him to call to schedule appointments etc)has actually I believe made it worse- it too easily gives up control or just says it doesn’t matter. We were older when we married ( both well into our 30′s) and he kept house for himself and got his life to work on his own- but once I can into the picture ( only after our wedding did we move in together) he was all to willing to let me “mother him, rather than be the ‘helper’ God wants me to be. Acceptance of his ADD diagnosis and issues is one thing- but if he doesn’t start caring to IMPROVE what he can do, I don’t need a child- I help him, but he makes me worse!!
Please don’t misunderstand the point I’m making when I say that it is respectful to “let your partner express himself” (or herself). What you must realize is that a.) YOU can’t change your partner – only your partner can change him/herself and b.) you will go crazy (or become very unhappy) if you let the ADHD symptoms run your life and you end up taking on everything (i.e. blur the boundaries between you). One version of blurred boundaries is chronic “nagging” – that is the ADHD partner is supposed to do something, but the non-ADHD partner retains responsibility for making sure that the thing actually gets done. In so doing, he/she enables the ADHD partner to not be required to take full responsibility. The effective solution is to draw up some rules for you, yourself, to live by…but which ones? And what happens if your partner says “take it or leave it?” like Kate’s ex-partner? A common response is (unfortunately) is for a non-ADHD partner to “be flexible” to the point where he or she is completely overwhelmed by responsibility that shouldn’t be their own.
In my own set of boundaries, “respect” means “be respectful of others AND be respectful of myself.” If someone wants to walk all over me (as Kate’s partner did) then allowing that person to do that is not respectful of myself. Because I wish to respect my partner, I would work hard to communicate WHY I’m upset and help him/her transition into taking more responsibility but eventually, I must live by my “boundary” of respecting myself and if he continued to disrespect me, then I would lose patience with that and end the relationship.
Denial that ADHD is an issue is one of the most destructive possible elements of an ADHD-impacted relationship. It leads to chronic anger, frustration and hopelessness (and often divorce because denial means that the issues caused by the symptoms don’t go away as they aren’t getting treated.)
If you want much more complete information about how to change negative patterns in a relationship that is being impacted by ADHD into positive patterns, please consider reading my book, The ADHD Effect on Marriage. It was recently awarded “best psychology book of 2010″ by ForeWord Reviews and has been instrumental in helping thousands of couples improve their relationship. I work as a marriage consultant who specializes in ADHD-impacted relationships, and can tell you that even if it seems pretty hopeless right now, there is a great deal that can be done to turn your relationship around.
I agree with Kate and Bobbi. This sounds like the general “relationship” advice that generally doesn’t work for ADHD. Plus, it places unfair blame on the non-ADHD spouses for nagging. There’s a lot more to making these relationships work than simplistic tips. I don’t care what this “marriage consultant” (whatever that is) says or how many “thousands” of relationships she claims her book has helped (no proof there).
Yes, I agree it’s a good idea to ask yourself some of the questions above. But then Orlov says things like “Don’t worry if he comes to bed later.” Duh. YOU try living with a sleep-deprived spouse who has to be kicked out of bed in the morning to go to work.
There are some real easy words here, but light on reality. Some of us can’t just “end the relationship” each time our “boundary” gets run over. It’s more complicated than that, especially when your ADHDer has depleted the savings account.
@ Random Leigh, this is just one activity among many that can help to improve a relationship. I looked at this as not something that instantly brings sweeping changes but just another valuable tool in one’s relationship toolbox.
Also, Melissa Orlov’s husband has ADHD, so she was writing the boundaries from her perspective as a non-ADHD spouse and what she can do on her end to improve their dynamic. These are her personal boundaries. Yours may be different.
Her point about being OK with her husband coming to bed later was that her reaction wasn’t getting them anywhere. Again, what works for you may be different, and of course, that’s totally OK. Like you said, there are no simple answers and no simple relationships. Orlov doesn’t disagree with you on this point. She has both personal and professional experience working with couples with similar issues. She has a deep understanding of how such relationships work.
Coming from someone with ADD, and no, I didn’t know until I was an adult. I found out after my son was diagnosed. Actually, understanding went a LONG way towards healing our relationship. People forget that ADD/ADHD has a number of true gifts. We are generally NOT your average bowl of beans. Do ADD/ADHD people have difficulties in their lives… uh yeah! Who doesn’t? But when you STOP looking at it as a DISORDER, and start looking at it as a natural variant of the human genome, it really makes a difference in your life. Once my husband and I got that into both our heads, our lives became a lot more fun and a lot less stressful.
I agree about the advice. Good relationship advice for any marriage. But, after all, marriage will someone with ADD/ADHD is just any marriage.